Why Do I Miss Someone Who Hurt Me?

Usually when we miss someone hurtful, we're missing the 'fantasy' we built and believed about that person. The person apparently isn't who we thought he/she was.

Oftentimes, the reason we continue to be with an unkind, hurtful, or selfish person is because we have fallen in love with our idealized, projected version of that person—which, depending on how pathological the person is, they may have intended.

What you know deep in your heart, and the reason it hurts, is that if that person truly cared about you and was meant to be in your life, they would never treat you this way. If they truly were the person you thought they were, you know that they would always treat you with respect and kindness.

That disconnect can be tormenting: How could he do that to me?

But the reason you are asking that question is because you aren’t seeing who the person truly is. You are seeing the version of them you want to believe in or you've convinced yourself to believe in.

So the difficult thing for you to accept ends up being that they never were who you thought they were/wanted to believe they were.

The exciting news is when you can come to grips with the fact that you fell for someone that was basically created in your own mind.

It can really set you free from the pain of missing them because you are the one who created the love, the beauty, and the magic of it—so you are really missing nothing. You still have all those things inside of you, and you can give those gifts to yourself at any time instead of squandering them on someone who hasn’t earned them.

When you feel those pangs of longing for that person, try to remind yourself of this: the things you loved about that person have not gone from your life. They are still inside you, with you. The person who hurt you was just the object of a beautiful fantasy you built.

You can let go. You can build new dreams. In my case, being aware of my proclivity to idealize new people—to only see the good in them, to believe wholeheartedly in romanticized versions of them—has helped me recognize when I am doing it.

Often if we are overlooking red flags in someone’s behavior, it’s because it doesn’t fit with the story we’ve told ourselves about that person.

Hope This Helps...🥰